My brother, he's spent his whole life hurting me and other around me, all because of drugs. He was my first real experience with knowing the darker side of life, of learning the difference between the good and the bad..he was my first bad person should I say. I wish he wasn't, because I spent most of my life loving him, or wanting to be able to love him.
I know that he didn't want to do it, I know that he didn't enjoy causing so much pain, I know there are people out there who do enjoy causing other pain and that he is not one of them. But I want...need to believe that it's not his fault. When he wasn't hurting me the pain still echoed from the past, it was as though his eyes were a window into my childhood. He was the entity of my childhood negativity, the thought of him always provoked my deepest sadness from within.
He stole, he lied, he hurt and he could of died. But he didn't care about that, he didn't care that his life was precious, he didn't care that we could all see him ruining his life. He didn't care that he was destroying people around him. He didn't care that we all had to watch as my Mum worried and pined over losing her son, watching her being crushed over and over again.
He managed to blur the concept of family or me. I couldn't understand how I had such great brothers, and then this one brother confused my image of what a brother is, he tore away everything my life had been about every time he was seen sat outside my home waiting for my mum to let him in to let him pressure her and beg her for forgiveness that he would only ruin once again.
I often ask myself if things would be different if he hadn't started taking heroine, and now as I'm older I know that heroine can change a person, and control there actions, define their future. But what I also know is that he wasn't stupid, he knew the effects he knew the risks. And if it hadn't of been heroine, there would have been something else. He let the underworld drag him to his own hell, but he didn't stop there he couldn't wallow alone in his own hell he had to drag my family as far as he could with him, and that I hate him for.
He broke my heart so many times, he messed with my brain every time he walked or shuffled back into my life. Every time he came back I would hope that I would have my brother where a brother was missing, and every time he fed me lies, every time he used me, every time he was selfish, and every time I was broken.
Now if he were to walk back in I know I would still hope he was being truthful, but could never trust him again.
Even though I'm not religious I pray for him just in case.
The thing is it's more than me and it's more than him, it's the more than anything it ever was, he has a child now, he shouldn't have a child but he does. She is beautiful, and she is my blood too, and I can't wipe her face from my memory, I fear i might never see her again. When I first held her I cried, because I knew (even though I didn't want to believe it) that I would probably never see her again. My own niece a child I can't help but love and t's her I wish I could forget not him, as he taught me to not trust everyone and to look for deciept. But I want to forget her, so that I don't miss her...
And just so she knows,
There's a place that only you can fill, just so you know, I loved then and I always will
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